When All Is Lost, Everything Is Gained | Maddy's Story

Sarah Annie Schneider: Welcome to the Addicted to God Podcast. I'm your host and Bible mentor, Sarah Schneider. And I am addicted to God. Addicted to God is a community of imperfect people who are pursuing a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. For over 20 years, I have been on my own addicted to God journey. This movement was inspired by the hundreds of incarcerated women whom I have had the privilege of mentoring in my local jail. The more I learned about their addictive behaviors, the more I realized that my zeal to know God's word is not that different from their uncontrollable desire to use their drug of choice. So in a nutshell, addicted to God is where we transfer the unhealthy, unsatisfying, and destructive habits and choices to the freedom and fulfillment that can only come from the one and only healthy addiction. And that is God and his limitless word. Please share this podcast so we can end addictions, encourage the defeated, and help anyone who wants to have a relationship with God, but doesn't know where to start. So join me and let's get addicted to God together. Today is a very special podcast because I am having a conversation with a very special guest. And I'm so excited for you to join me on the addicted to God Pod, Maddie. So welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm blessed to be here. Really. So excited to hear your story. So the first question I want to dive right into is to have you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you. Yeah, ⁓ I'm actually gonna introduce myself in my native language because that's something that really ⁓ resonates a lot with me. So Sigoli Swagwick, Madeline Yugit, Sony Oteaga, ni waganyata ni wagita loda. ⁓ my name is Madeline, I'm United Nations Standing Stone and I'm a part of the Turtle Clan. A little about me. I am ⁓ a daughter, a sister. ⁓ a hard worker, I've been dedicated to work. I I am learning to get into the Lord and make sure he is my main focus, ⁓ my priority. I know that I cannot win at this game of life without him at center. Just really really trying to figure out who I am in his will and not separating myself from that. I know that there's people out there who are probably exactly where I'm at. You're absolutely right. And I think it is a crystal clear answer because I would say none of us have figured it out. I think life is a pursuit of growing and improving and learning from not only our mistakes, but the opportunities that are set before us. So I love that answer. And honestly, I think you also teed us up for a very, very, very good segue into understanding how You came to know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Yeah, of course. So ⁓ I grew up in a church with my grandma. She was the backbone of the church. I went to spend most of my weekends with her. We were the first ones in on Sunday morning, last ones out. I participated in the kids' ⁓ Bible study and apparently that was where my heart was at. She ended up passing away ⁓ when I was around six and that that was That was heartbreaking. I think part of me died with her that day. And I know I'm not the only one in my family that could say that. That that separation from her from the church didn't only just carry with me, it carried with the rest of my family. I will say that's when ⁓ addiction started really playing in my household. I am a daughter of two alcoholics as well as workaholics. So even though I had two parents and a happy, happy household, I say that in quotations, not saying that I had a bad childhood, but I've my parents were never around. They were always they were always working. So I ⁓ love sports. That kind of got me through most of school. I definitely will say that there are I feel like there are bits and parts of childhood that I'm still remembering and trying to grasp. But ended up was away from the church for about ten years. But during that time I learned more about my culture and who I am and connecting with my ancestors. I love sports. Sports was life. Sports was where my heart was at. And ⁓ around sixteen we ended up moving up to the Appleton area and ⁓ that's when I started not hanging around with the best people. And ⁓ sports kinda got taken away from me. My body couldn't keep up with the the hassle, the hard work and my joints started to go. I was I faced my first really big knee dislocation and that put me out and I could Never touched the core to the field again. I was heavy in softball, volleyball. I I was in the weight room like three hours a day. Like it was it was an addiction. And I felt like that was the only thing I had a healthy addiction to. And even though later on in life it was the only thing that it was something that kept me sane. Like that sports and in that essence was peace. And that is just that is the beginning of where I feel like the Lord really started Working in a way that I didn't understand. I ⁓ started getting into weed, started drinking, ⁓ was a was a really big pothead. ⁓ as time moved on, around nineteen, I ended up crashing my bike on the interstate. I ⁓ ended up getting knee surgery, I s found ecstasy, ⁓ molly, acid, shrooms, anything. Anything. I ⁓ stepped back really quick. Sixteen I also that's when they put me on opioids for the first time and that was That was a horrible relationship. I still have videos in my phone to this day of just recording how and what it was doing to my body and although I didn't enjoy it, it was something that took the pain away. Yeah. And I think that is what addiction is about, all in a whole. What can I use? What can I find that will cover that up, that will make me feel okay or whole or loved. As ⁓ fast forward to twenty one where now you're legal. Yeah. And that is ironically that's where the I don't want to say the big problem, but ⁓ I ended up getting three DUIs in two and a half years. Wow. Mm-hmm. I got revocated ⁓ off of a charge, ended up sitting six months in jail. And ⁓ two days before my third DOI, I buried my grandfather. And ⁓ that had to magnify the pain. ⁓ yeah. I was in that holding cell that night and I was just I was done. Yeah. I was done. I remember ⁓ trying to just end it and I was like, All right, you know, like Lord, I'm done. I was like, you know, we tried. We really tried. We're good. And ⁓ he spoke to me, he said, he said, I need you to fight this fight. He said, I need you to fight this fight for your sister. And I need you to fight this fight for your Nana. And ⁓ Man, that that was that. And it's like I don't even sometimes saying it, it's like It's so absurd in a way, but it's so wholesome. It brings everything full circle because you see how people in your life kinda like hold your family together, hold you together and ⁓ Yeah. And he was like, You're you're loved, you're worthy, you have a purpose And he said, You're gonna find it. And he said, You you gotta you gotta come back to me, you gotta start with me and we're gonna get you there. And so ever ever since then I I said, All right, let's fight. So let's fight. I gotta trust you. And during that six months in jail, I was reading my Bible every day. I was going to Bible studies. I was doing meetings. I was we started praying before meals in my block. I we were doing studies. We were doing talks one on one. I was even talking to some guards sometimes, just making sure the presence of the Lord was in that space. Because when you are separated and when you don't have time with family and you can't talk to the people who who know you, who understand you, and you need that that love. that help, you gotta create it. And how are we supposed to help each other if we can't intercede and be there in that time of need? I remember times where I was I thought about it. How do I just get to SEG? How do I how do I get alone? How do I SEG is segregation? ⁓ yeah. A twenty four hour lockdown in a cell, you get an hour out a day to shower and make a call and then you're locked back in. And ⁓ I end I actually spent a week in segregation. And ⁓ it was it was like a blessing and a curse. It's like what you want to be alone, but then it's like You're alone. ⁓ no. Yeah, I think you kinda asked for a little more than you can handle. But Yeah, and I my understanding of my experience in the jail is you got into seg if you misbehaved. Yeah. So did you earn segregation or did you Beg and petition for it and they granted it. No, I I d I definitely earned. I ⁓ I didn't think that it was all fair, but at the end of the day it's sometimes it's it's your word against theirs and at the point you're when you're an inmate, you're literally treated like crap, you know, trash. Yeah. And that's sh that's just how it is. It doesn't matter. There's a lot of COs just stating my opinion. Correct. That don't care. Yeah. You are a criminal. You deserve to be treated like one. Don't care what you think. Don't care how you feel. Don't care who you have to talk to. Don't care. You have a family. Don't care anything. To me, you're you're trash and you have to sit here. You have to pay the price. You have to do what you have to do. I'm very thankful that the county that I did serve in, there were people who did care, who did treat you like a human being. And that is shout out to the shout out to the COs who actually care and understand that you can come back. You can be redeemed. And I I'm very thankful for the ones who even like There was a couple COs, you gotta come out. Like we gotta talk. You gotta we gotta figure out what's going on. How can I help? If you just need someone to talk to, they were it it's cool that even in the darkness that there is light. Yes. And praise God because there they are people I know that our jail facility was prayed over by multiple people. I know that there is a strong ministry in jail, in prison, and there are people who care, who fight the fight for others who can't do it for themselves. And ⁓ I'm I'm thankful for that. Yeah. Wow. That is a lot. And I so much appreciate you for sharing that. My heart is with you because I've mentored so many women in jail. I can identify with your story through dozens of women who have encountered the same thing and also have come to the conclusion that you have, which is you need the Lord. And that's what made jail ministry so miraculous for me personally. Because if I talk about Jesus on the street, if I wanna open my Bible and read scripture with some of my friends, they will rebuke that and tell me, get that stuff away from me. I'm not interested in your Jesus. But I'll go into the jail and I'll open up my Bible and tears will flow because there is that reality that the only answer to changing your life and setting yourself on the right trajectory. is Jesus Christ. Yes. And the barrier is where do I start? And you did the perfect thing, which is reading God's word every single day. Mm-hmm. I too would shout out to the corrections officers because I have befriended many of them over the years. Their hearts for those of you who are searching after the Lord and encourage and support that journey is remarkable. I know there's a lot of skepticism and even rebuke of Jail ministries because they a lot of people just don't simply understand the power of God's word and the transforming capabilities of what God can do in a life who's ready. So kudos to you. As a matter of fact, you're reminding me of a verse that I use often when I'm in jail, and it is Romans twelve, verse one and two. And It is just such a powerful, powerful, I guess, description of what God can do. And it's certainly I've been able to witness it in the jail. And that is, therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and proper worship. Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed. By the renewing of your mind, exactly. Then you will be able to test and approve God's will, His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Yeah. That scripture is the greatest evidence that not only is God able to be transformed, but our ability to be transformed by Him, through Him. Just because we live in a world of Of darkness doesn't mean we have to act like it. And when you receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, darkness and light cannot coexist. Yep. And so you have the light of Christ in you. So can you tell me more about that defining moment? You got very emotional when you cried out to God and you said, All right, let's fight it. You know, did you pray a prayer? Did you audibly say something? Did you journal it? Was there something magical in the words you spoke? Like how did you respond to God? Hearing God's voice. It was like a full act, like a physical, emotional, spiritual just act of letting surrendering. And I know that I still struggle with like surrendering day to day, just like daily things that I need to make sure that I'm giving that to the Lord and giving that to the Lord and letting go of that. But it was just it was like this calming sense that covered my head to toe that I just I let go of what I was trying to do, of taking my life, and I okay. And it's like So rather than taking your life, you were saying, Lord, take my life. Yes. ⁓ instead of like literally removing me from the earth, I was removing my soul from the hands of myself. You know? Yeah. Of like I I clearly cannot live the way I think that I should live. And I need somebody else to take over. And that's that it had to be him. 'Cause if it wasn't him, who is it gonna be? And And I know just even like through the testimony of crashing my bike and just the simple things of of my life of dude, you shouldn't be here. Like I I sh I should have died that day. I should have died that day. I or the overdoses or this or that or just like the the thing of fear looking back at my life is like, no, like you're like he said he has a purpose for you. You are here for a reason. Jeremiah twenty nine, eleven. Yes. Act on it. Like His words are promise and you have to walk in that. I know we tend to choose to pick and choose what we want to listen to, what we want to walk in. He everything is ordained. Everything is already said. We lack so hard with what we trust and believe. We believe he's there, but we don't trust him. And I know that's look, hey, I'm guilty for that too, of just the daily all right, every morning, Lord I trust you. Lord, I trust you. Even I'll just name a situation. It was So after jail, I ended up putting myself in adult teen challenge. ⁓ cool. There's a faith-based recovery program. It's a year long program. I was eligible for a early graduation. So I did nine months. Graduated early. Ended up talking with my parents, seeing if they would have me back home, and they did. So thank thank the Lord. My family right now is more of a family my family's ever been in my life. It's beautiful how the Lord is mending. He mends your relationships. He mends everything about it. He does. And I was probably already at home for like a month and I was just crying because, you know, I I'm paying myself out of the debt. And, you know, I surrendered my car. I let go of the apartment. And I I was struggling. I was like, Lord, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I was sitting there cooking in the kitchen and I was crying and I had some worship music on in the back and I was like, Lord, I'm struggling. Like I'm crying and I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I don't know what's going on. And I was listening to a song, I think it was 247, ⁓ by Aura. And it was just like the Lord's present was like, just trust me. Just let go. You can't do you, you have to do me. And I was you're right. You're right. And he found me a job. And it's funny how the job connected through talking about the Lord. And I'm plugged in at a church that is I feel like home. I'm back with like My people and it's just he what the years of destruction can be fixed in Yeah, no time. I have been sober for eighteen a little over eighteen months and he has done more work in eighteen months than I s before previous of twenty four years. And you're only twenty four. Only twenty four. Yeah, we neglected to call it out at the beginning because yes, you are young. But yet God got your attention early, praise the Lord. Thank God. Because so many are coming into a relationship with the Lord with a great deal of regret. And you have a whole life in ahead of you with the Lord leading you to align with what his will is and and really identify what he is calling you for, what he created you to do. And like you said earlier, you're on this journey of figuring it out and it'll be exciting to stay in touch to be able to see how he does that. Yeah. Couple things you said that I I wanna draw out a little more and one of those things is surrendering your will. And I do try to communicate w in the mentoring sessions in jail about surrender. And I don't intend or my desire is not to talk about surrender in the jail from the standpoint of condemning people because they got caught and now they're in jail. Mm-hmm. I do it to try to make a connection between someone who is clinging to their life, clinging to their rights. I hear in jail all the time, it was not my fault, what they did to me, they need to pay for you know, and and there's this lack of ownership and recognizing that actually if you surrender, if you let go of all control and give it to the Lord, which is an act of your will. To be able to consciously say, I give it to you, Lord. Because otherwise we're gonna wrestle literally with God. Mm-hmm. And that we won't win. But can you better frame surrender than how I just described it? I'll try. Yeah. Give it a shot. I think the best way to break that down is knowing that everything that you're going through right now, that they are labels. But just because you are labeled with something doesn't mean that defines you. And I think how the best way I understood surrendering was here's all the things that people could call you. But here's what the Lord calls you. I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a Native American, I am a Christian, although we're still working on things like I was a sports player. Like these are the things that define me. And here's what the Lord calls me. You are redeemed, you are loved. You are worthy. My record. You're an alcoholic. You're this. You're a criminal. And I think the best way is we're going to be judged. Yeah. We live in the world. There's going to be judgment, there's going to be condemnation. But understanding that that is what's there, but that's not what you have to carry. When I think of surrendering, is that's what you call me, but that's not who I am. And not who God says I am. Exactly. I'm gonna put this jacket on today. And this jacket is full of of grief and pain and struggle and resentment. But that's not something you have to wear. Nor does God want you to wear that. Yeah. And take off the coat. Put it down. Let let that go. Even say an altar call. Hey, Lord, this is something that I need to let go and I need to give it to you. But I can't. Because that's something that defines me. So I have to hold on to it because that's who I am. That's my identity. That's this and that's that. But it's not. Right. And that's where we have to put in that trust, that belief of let it go. Yes. Let it go. My mind is fluttering with scripture. Like when you say put on the garment and you label all of the things that you're putting on and Christ says, No, no, no, no. You are clothed in righteousness. Yeah. Or the other thing you said that is a beautiful framing in scripture, which is when you surrender your life, surrender again your life to Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Savior, the King of your life, you become a child of God. You're no longer defined by the world. Yeah. And the world doesn't understand. Yeah. We all are on our own journeys and we sometimes put those labels on ourselves or we feel like we need to label ourselves to fit in or be accepted or whatever mechanism or framework we're trying to achieve through human association as opposed to separating ourselves from guilt, pain, alcoholism, drug addictions, yeah, DOIs. When Christ is our Lord and Savior. Yeah. Two things that just came to my mind when you were talking about that, just what does Romans eight one say? Therefore there is no condemnation. No condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Exactly. Exactly. And I think we're we're making the wrong thing our enemy. My neighbor is not my enemy. Right. My mom is not my enemy. My sister's not my enemy. My coworker's not my enemy. Pray for them. We we need to cover each other in prayer, i in love. Even just because I don't like you doesn't mean I can't love you. You know? Like there there's a lot of people we probably would choose not to be in the room with, and that's okay. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table. I need to love you from a distance because I can't love you close. We need to respect our boundaries. I was just gonna say that. Sounds like a boundary. Yeah. A protective boundary. Looking back on how I used to live, hey, I am a person who constantly lives in the past. I can be present, but my mind's got, you know, 14 tabs open. I'm thinking about What I did on January seventh. Just thinking about past situations that constantly want to ruin the satisfaction of the joy because that's how the devil works. ⁓ yeah. The devil knows your past and that's all he knows. That's why he wants you to remain there. And somebody said that to me like a week and a half ago and I was like, ⁓ my gosh. You're so right. The Lord knows your future, not the devil. Right. And I was like, that's why he wants you stuck. That's why he wants you there. That's why you will never be anything better than an alcoholic who was born to an alcoholic. You're a Native American. You're gonna be what you are, and that's just that. No. Right. I'm done. My foot's down. I'm ending that. And although I suffered for a little while, a verse I stood on in Teen Challenge was first Peter five ten. He'll let you suffer for a little while, but he'll build you. He'll redeem you. He will restore you. He will put you on that rock. You're there. It's not who you are anymore. And letting that go, and I know that's always easier said than done. ⁓ I could do this or that can continue to reign over me or have control over me. Let the chains go. Let the chains go. So true. And scripture says that. Yeah. I tell the women in Bible studies all the time, and not just in jail, but even women who I teach at my church that when you start to pursue the Lord, you have a bullseye on your back. Mm-hmm. And that's where the devil doubles down. Because when you are not pursuing a relationship with Christ, you belong to him. Yep. You are owned by the devil. You're no threat. But as soon as you crack that Bible, as soon as you start talking about Jesus, like you said, mentioning God, and then all of a sudden this career opportunity opened up for you, and you're like, that's cool. And all of a sudden Satan wants to condemn you. And wipe you out at the knees. And Satan is gonna do all those things because he does not want you to be successful. Yep. He certainly doesn't want you to be a child of God. And when you are a child of God, now he wants to make you doubt that God is good. Because if he can make you doubt God is good, he can lure you away from God. And I often think about that in terms of the spiritual warfare. Satan is God's enemy. Yeah. Therefore, he wants to destroy anything that belongs to God. And because we have a propensity to feel guilty, walk in shame, live in the past, we are ripe for Satan to rip us away from the real truth of God, which is why we need to read God's word every day. Right. To be reminded. It's and the scripture says it in Ephesians six. Put on the armor of God. The full thing. The full deal. Edit doubt. That's right. Because we've got an enemy and he is not playing for fun. Yeah. And I think a lot of people think walking into the Christian life, professing Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior means you got it all together, you're gonna live this perfect and posh life and live happy and live in the promises of God and it's actually the opposite. Yeah, completely the opposite. Every day is a struggle. It's hard out here. And it's it's gonna be. I mean look at the life he lived. He was he was in ministry how long? Yeah. Three years. And the pain and the strugglings and the sufferings and another verse that popped out of me was Philippians three, verses seven through twelve. And it was just and whatever gain I had I counted as a loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as a loss because of the surprising worth of knowing Jesus Christ or Christ Jesus as my Lord. For his sake, I've suffered the loss for all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ. And it goes on for a couple verses, but it's just when I finally lost everything, I gained everything in that aspect too. And I think about that every time, although I don't have my car anymore. I don't have my bike. I don't have my possessions, but my possessions aren't who I am. That's not gonna be buried with me. I don't take my riches and you have to consistently empty yourself out. Yeah. It's an overflowing constant. We have to pour into others as we're being poured into. You're so right. A constant valve. It's not closed. And always remembering you're never too far away from him. It's not God who moves, it's us who moves. Yes. It's never too late. You're you are never too far gone. There's nothing that you could have done where God's like, I don't want you. You're done. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. There is no crime. There is no self punishment. There is nothing that you can do. That God won't say, I can't. Everybody has a purpose. Everybody. When you say God doesn't move away from us, we move away from God. So so true. It also is true that in this world we will suffer. Yeah. That Christianity isn't just this walk on the yellow brick road. Yeah. And first Peter 2 21 says, To this you were called because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example. That you should follow in his steps. So when you said, look at how Jesus lived, he didn't have a pain free life. And he was fully human. Yeah. And fully God. So he understands our sorrow. He understands what suffering is more than any human could possibly comprehend suffering. And yet the beautiful part about walking in our suffering or l enduring this life or persevering through it, as the apostle Paul says, is the fact that we can do it with joy. Right. 'Cause our eternal home is in heaven. We are not bound to the things of this earth. Yeah. That is all temporal. Right. And to understand that we want to be more like him, but don't take on the idea that we're him. We're not we can't we're not bigger. We're not better. We're not stronger. We're not eternal. We're not gonna be here forever. Sorry folks. Long story short, life is but a mist, James says. Yeah. And and I don't mean to sound dark or anything, but the one thing I've always understood is the only thing promised in life is death. Right. I'm just being honest. We a song by Warren Pay is passing through. This isn't home. It's just we're just passing through the word that I love, Sonder. Sonder is understanding that everybody is going through such a complex life as yours. Mm-hmm. Remind yourself to be gracious. Extend that mercy that has been passed on to us. To to know that Someone might be having the absolute worst day. And just 'cause you're having a bad day or something like that doesn't mean that you can't intercede or be nice or be that love, be that light that they need. And that's part of what God calls us to do. Mm-hmm. Because once we have him and we realize what he has done for us, we want others to have him too. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah. Not saying that the Lord runs out at all. It never does. It is a constant flow. But sometimes the devil wants you a little louder. Like we talked about earlier. The devil knows scripture, but you need to understand who's talking to you and when he's talking to you. You not you gotta have that discernment. That's why it's so important to be in your Bible, to know scripture. Because he takes bits and pieces. And I know the truth is people take what they want to take some days and not read it as a full. There are times where you just have to stop and pray. There are times where the devil is working. And you need to understand that we are going to have to be uncomfortable in environments and in situations to grow. To do what we have to do. To serve out the Lord's will. To understand that it I'm just flesh but I don't have to act like it. The difference of separating yourself from living worldly and living biblically. And I believe it's in Matthew, I could be wrong, but he talking about prayer, like you don't always have to ramble, you can just ⁓ yeah. But also giving to him what's in your mind. They're just right there. Like I said, I live in the past. Like let's bring that up. There's never a time where, all right, I gave that to the Lord. It's over. It's done with. Like it's a constant. All right, Lord, I need patience today. I need patience. But he's not gonna just give you patience. He's gonna put you in places where you have to be patient. And learn patience, yes. Yeah. So sometimes sometimes it's like a blessing and a curse. And when I say curse, I don't mean it as a bad thing, but Remembering that he's building you. I love that you emphasize prayer because that is so crucial, especially when we're confronted or in environments that are unpleasant or uncomfortable. But there's also the opportunity to use the truth of scripture because we read it every day. And a verse that comes to my mind sometimes when I'm feeling that heaviness of Satan's just defeat in so many ways is Matthew 16, 23. When Jesus rebukes Peter and says, Get thee behind me, Satan. Yes. Yes. And I take those words sometimes and I will say it audibly, get behind me, Satan. I'll turn my back and everything. I just am not gonna put up with these lies. I'm not gonna let you get into my head. I am going to lean on the truth of scripture and ensure that I remember who I am and whose I am. Yes. And not become prey to the enemy. Yeah. So Maddie, please tell me a little bit about Teen Challenge because I don't know that people listening are familiar or what actually a recovery or treatment program like that could look like and what it can do for you. So what first made you want to go? So I know I said I spent six months incarcerated. So I s I was two months in, I got eligible for bracelet. So I was home for about two weeks and ⁓ while I was on bracelet for those two weeks, I actually ended up having a warrant out for my arrest 'cause There was a date that got scheduled. The case got dismissed. A year later, they reissued the case. And ⁓ I missed court. I had no clue about it. They didn't have my updated address. All things I should have been on the lookout for. ⁓ but being incarcerated, you don't really have access to really anything. So you have no clue what's going on or what's happening. Point being, I was like, All right. I need to undo everything that just happened because you can't really undo what's done. But how do we move on from it? So I've never done recovery, never done rehab, never done anything. And I said, Well, let's do it. And my probation ⁓ officer was speaking to me, was like, Well, like, let's do a thirty day program, let's do this, let's do that. And you look at the success rates of all those. Let's do a thirty day program where really things aren't really implemented, but it's like kinda like a loosey goosey and it's like sober living, but it's not really sober living. So it's like people who want, in my opinion who wanna try something else but still want access to what they used to do, but there's no accountability. You need something strict. And well, long story short, Teen Challenge is definitely that. It was hard. There's coursework. There's book work. Every morning an hour in Devos. At night I was doing an hour in Devos plus an additional hour by myself, which included other readings and just time and prayer. But it stands you up to understand controlled environments where you can really step back and be like, all right, I need to do this, I need to do that. They give you a in a sense of aspect of kind of like a day-to-day, ⁓ breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime, wake up time. You have work, which is all like volunteer, whatever that location has for their work opportunities. ⁓ you have classes, you have chapel, you have sermon. Like there's still bookwork and homework that you need to do, which is nice because I'm actually looking on going back into school. So it kind of helped me understand that aspect. I was really always good in school, so I never had to apply myself. So actually sitting down and unpacking who I was and how I my tendencies and stuff like that was nice, was scary, but you know, it was needed. We can't adjust and know how to walk differently if we can't approach and look at how we were living and what we were doing. It was a hard thing. I appreciate the insight you're allowing me to learn because at your young age to subject yourself to that level of discipline, in my opinion, demonstrates your wholehearted desire to be transformed. Yeah. And to come through your circumstances, not only better, but stronger, deeply aligned in scripture. So I commend that program. It's a very valuable path. To transition from specifically incarceration to a better way. Yeah. Yeah. At the at the end of the day, I'm thankful for the opportunity. I'm thankful for overcoming. ⁓ I'm not gonna lie, there's days I wanted to leave, I wanted to pack up and I wanted to be done. Like it's it's it's not easy. It's intense. It it is intense, but it it needs to be. Yeah. 'Cause if you have something where you're not really applying yourself or you're not learning or you're not trying something new, what what are you doing? Right. You know? Like how are you growing? I'm thankful, like I said, thankful for the opportunity and thankful for the willingness of people who poured into you throughout the program. There are people that I still talk to to this day, of whether volunteers or people that I just prayed for through the store of like all those little things matter and there's a lot of people who intercede and who care and who see you trying and are rooting for you. Yeah. There's there's a lot of people who have ruined relationships. with family, with children, with parents, with everything. And they they don't know how to do anything correctly. And I think that gives you a family. I definitely will say I I mean it's put me in a strong place of my faith today. I there's still things that s seem unnatural because I just don't understand and I don't want to seem like I really know what I'm talking about when I'm sitting here talking about scripture and everything. Like there's still so much I have to learn. I'm still new to faith. I am still new to giving everything to him, to to acting like I know what I'm doing 'cause I don't want to seem like I got it all together. Like it is it's a nutcase over here, but I feel like it's kinda contained because I I have him in a aspect. But yeah, it has helped me get my mission of what the Lord wants me to do. Prepare myself to take a step away. Yeah. Go for a walk. Put your feet in the ground. Get immersed in creation. Be free in him. I love so much of your story. We haven't figured it all out. Every one of us is on our own journey. I would say you've come so far. I don't feel like I'm talking to a 24-year-old at all. How has your life been different now that you have all of this behind you? Your accidents behind you, your surgery's behind you, and obviously jail is behind you, teen challenge is behind you. I don't assume you have any aspirations to go back to any of that. No, thank you. ⁓ It it it's freeing for me to sit down and as I continue to unpack myself and remember bits and pieces of what I've blacked out in a sense. learning through trauma, you know, your mind really has a funny thing of, Hey, we're just gonna actually close that out. We're just until you're ready and until you're in a space where you are okay to unpack that, you're like your body won't allow you to, which is a good thing in a way, but learning to know what I went through, understand what I went through. and know how it can empower me and help me intercede for those who are either walking the same steps or or going through the same battles or whoever overcome and and building the community and ⁓ just being light, how people were light to me, or flowing it to others, ⁓ praying, loving. You actually teed up for a perfect segue into the next question I wanted to ask you, which is what advice would you have for someone who is Either hearing your story or really identifying with your story. Has been incarcerated or is facing incarceration, has had a drug addiction or is in a drug addiction and needs a lifeline. If you had somebody that could have steered you right, so none of those awful things would have happened, what do you wish would have happened? I can tell you right now, I know that I don't see you and I know that we're not walking the same steps. But understand you're not alone. I know it sounds cliche 'cause I once was where you were at. I once was a a person who was walking the same steps who was going through the day was like, Alright, I can't wait to drink tonight, or I can't wait to smoke or do this or that or I need a, you know, pop a tab or something. I need a like I it was all a distraction. And I promise you that it is worth it. It's not easy, it's it's It's actually probably ten times harder than what you're currently walking through. But when I tell you that the peace that this gives you, the freedom it gives you to understand that you are not condemned to anything or t chained to something, because we all know what it's like is you know, I've heard a lot of girls, I've heard a lot of just people in general. ⁓ I wanna stop, but I can't. Mm-hmm. You can't. We're gonna do it together. There are resources. There are things in front of you that you are probably judging. ⁓ I don't want that. I don't want that. Give it a shot. Take a step back. What do you have to lose that you already haven't lost? Great question. You know? I mean, I I had everything, but I lost everything. And I was just completely oblivious. I didn't talk to family. I I had horrible friends. I lost myself. I was in sin, living sin, around sin. I was I was sinned. Like that was me. That was And finding pleasure in it. Yeah. It it just like looking back, like how much disgust and I'm not gonna say that I don't have urges of anything or like ⁓ a a drink or that or anything, blah blah blah. Like there are times where things will come and go like ⁓ a beer would taste nice or you know things are still gonna follow. Like if anybody tells you it's perfect and it's all this and all they're lying. We need the cold hard truth. I want you to tell me the truth. I don't want you to give me a lie. Because at the end of the day, when I need something and I need someone to be completely aggressive, I need you to tell me what it is and I need you to tell me how it is and I need you to do it now. I'd rather you hurt my feelings. Because at the end of the day, when you understand people who hurt your feelings are actually there to help you, it is so much more peaceful. If you have people around you who are going to hurt your feelings, keep them. Keep them. Because that's how you're gonna grow. Your environment matters. your environment matters. If you're looking around and and people are not ⁓ financially stable or if they are around remove yourself. Do it. I promise you. Once you continue to put yourself around people who want certain things or want things that you want, you're gonna get ⁓ I wanna be happy, I wanna be sober. Who's around you that does that? Text people. Social media. Like I I'm trying to build a platform. I know I'm not doing the best at it, but There are people who are walking how you are walking or who are trying to get better and you can find those people. Hey, I I'm new to this or I'm still struggling. I I don't know what to do. Try a new church out. And and if it's overwhelming, it's it's okay. There's somebody who's walked the walk before you. Like you have to be uncomfortable. People say I'm a yapper. And I I don't always think so. If I'm around people I like or something I want to talk about, dude, I'd love to talk. If I can help somebody, we're here. And ⁓ one thing my dad always told me was if anything I say helps one person, then I've done it. And look, I used to ridicule anytime Jesus got mentioned. I didn't I didn't understand it. Understanding culture and then religion, I built the wall between those two. And I was like, Well, there's no way I can be Christian and a Native American. Well, I can. Even if I just help one person, I've done what I need to do. And ⁓ just dig in. When you have a feeling, feel it. Don't cover it up because at the end of the day that's what's something that you need to go through to help you. You started by saying, I know this is cliche that you're not alone, but that's honestly the best advice you can give anybody because God never intended for us to do it alone. And the devil kind of like Seg when we were talking about that earlier and how you get in your own head when you isolate and you don't lean in to your struggles and reach out. for people to help you and come alongside of you in your journey. Yeah. That is very defeating. Mm-hmm. And so I I want to emphasize that that's not cliche at all. I think that's incredible. As you are walking with the Lord now and you're new to your faith, you've said you've been 18 months sober, so you're obviously growing like crazy. Tell me about your daily walk. What does your spiritual disciplines look like? Wha how do you keep yourself motivated to crack God's word every single day and inspire yourself to continue on your path toward becoming like Christ? Yeah. ⁓ I'm gonna be completely honest. I am not in my word how I used to be. I used to start every morning and end every day on my knees in prayer. I'm not as disciplined physically as I used to be, but I will say the connection that I have with him and where my mind goes and the continuous conversation and prayer that I have throughout the day is stronger than it has ever been. Like throughout work, there are times where I have to, you know, do the dishes or clean, clean up from production and I'm sitting there washing the dishes and I'm talking to the Lord. And then sometimes it's funny how it's all subconscious and then you're actually paying, ⁓ my gosh, how long have I been talking to you about this? Or or he's so crystal clear. And then it's like All right, this is the vision he has for my life and I think I understand it. All right, how do you want me to move? ⁓ my gosh. Lord, we've been talking about this all day. Or I'm praying for this person, I'm praying for that person. My Nana ⁓ got me something for a Christmas present and it's like a verse a day and it sits on my ⁓ bed. And I often like pick that up, or throughout my day I'm quoting scripture that I remembered or that I just have memorized, but making sure that I'm not only just allowing it to be memorized, but I'm meditating on it. I'm putting that in my heart and I'm understanding it. So I know that I need to get back into discipline with my Bible readings and my devotions and just my sometimes writing out your prayer helps. This today I was at church and I was writing out a prayer because I was I was in the battlefield this morning. I was in the battlefield and sometimes you just gotta write it out. ⁓ I heard a saying yesterday that said, In times of peace, prepare for war. You gotta do that. Yeah. Sometimes my piece is in the word. Right now, ⁓ media, I know they partner with churches and stuff. They have a lot of different Bible studies. I like to pop headphones in and listen to that. I got Mr. Penn Bible markers. You know, I'm I'm I'm marking this thing up. This is this is a weapon. This is a weapon. The word of God is the weapon. Yeah. When I'm in it, it is freeing when I'm when I'm at church and I'm plugged in and we're at prayer and and I'm where I'm supposed to be. That is so overwhelming and I'm like so at peace. I'm so happy. I'm so filled with joy. And it's like I know that it's something that I need to work on. I'm just being honest. Like there are times where I'm like, this is it. And then I condemn myself because it's like, well why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you taking time? Why aren't you and so constantly And that's Satan 'cause God will take your one verse of a day. Yeah. He will take your day prayers all day. Mm-hmm. Like there is no that is another thing that's really important for people to hear is there's no checkboxes perfect way to grow in your relationship with God. I over time have become more disciplined in that I literally have to devour my scripture every morning because I'm that hungry for scripture. But there certainly were seasons when I had young children at home or my career was really demanding or life was just Chaotic, yeah, that listening to a sermon on the way to work was the best it could get. That at least I put my mind into something that I could capture. Yeah. And ⁓ you're human and normal. Your transparency is inspiring. And people will find the different ways. Like I, like you, need to write my prayers because I found that if I just randomly pray, I'll get to like noon and realize, oops, I never said good. Amen. When I started the Lord's still waiting on you. The Lord's waiting for me to put a bow on that one. And I'll be in bed at night saying a prayer and wake up in the middle of the night going, ⁓ no, I fell asleep on God. You know what I mean? Just these kinds of things. We're human. We are human. My last question is I would love for you to share from your own perspective or in your own opinion, what does addicted to God mean or look like to you? Continuance continuous growth like Think of it as a disease. Like I want a good disease. Yes, a great disease. Like I want more of you. There will never be enough. I know I will not be able to understand everything, but I I need you. Or how's that one song? I need you Lord, I need you in every hour. I need you. And it's just like, ⁓ Lord, I need you to help me all the time. Worship music. Like there are times where you will and it this is funny, like looking back of when I was like in addiction or in the wrong relationships of how there was a time where you played music, but how like the Lord was trying to talk to you in those times. There are days where I could only blast worship music. Mm-hmm. There were days where I said, I need this. There's certain songs while I'll put on when I need certain things or s I feel like my soul rests heavy with like R and B and soul music. So I I will find Christian R and B and soul music. What you listen to affects how you feel. Those ears, they they do a lot more than you think it they do. Let that be around you. Let that be in you. Let the fire that is planted in you forever burn. Seek more, do more, have conversations. When people want to argue it's because they don't understand how to conversate anymore. And I feel like that is just a big I don't want to say a problem, but a disruption in the world today is People are so quick to condemn, but nobody wants to understand. Thank you for that. Yeah, of course. As you were talking about meditating on the word and even not associating associating with the wrong crowd or choosing better friends, Psalm one comes to mind and I want to close with this. Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take, or sit in the company of mockers. But Whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by the streams of water, which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither, whatever they do prospers. So thank you so much, Maddie, for your wisdom, your advice, your story. I'm confident God will use it. I can tell he is already using it. And I'm excited to see how God will continue to grow in you. So we'll have to keep in touch. Yes. Thank you for having me. So friends, this is not the end of your story. This is the beginning of your rescue. And I am truly thrilled to have you on this addicted to God journey, learning to trade every harmful addiction for the one and only healthy and true addiction that satisfies, and that is Jesus Christ and his living word. We have been so blessed to hear Maddie's story today. And if today's episode has stirred something in you, would you please share it with someone who feels stuck or hopeless? You never know how God might use it to spark freedom in their life. Friends, I have a brand new website I hope you will check out. You'll be able to read about Maddie and her bio on there at addicted to Godpod.com. You can also connect with me throughout the week at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Substack at Sarah Annie Schneider. And I'm always looking for guests. If your life has been genuinely transformed by Jesus, if you've truly experienced what it means to transfer your addiction to him, then I'd love to hear your story and email me at addicted to Godpod at gmail.com. And as we close, don't forget, you are not defined by your past or your struggles. When you transfer your addictions to God, He becomes your one and only healthy addiction. So God bless you, friends. And fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith. And until next week, we will see you then. And don't forget to choose the better addiction.