The Prison of Fairness: How to Uproot Bitterness

Sarah Annie Schneider: you Welcome to the Addicted to God podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Schneider, and I'm addicted to God. Well, hello and welcome for joining me. This is a podcast for people who are feeling tired, defeated, overwhelmed, or discouraged. People who desperately want a relationship with God, but aren't sure where to start or how to make it stick. Not just for today, but for life. For over 10 years, I've had the honor of mentoring women in our local jail. And that's exactly where the Addicted to God movement was born. So many of these women walked in carrying destructive addictions that had taken everything from them, their freedom, their families, their hope, and even their sense of worth. The ones who experienced real lasting transformation weren't the ones who tried harder to quit. They were the ones who learned how to transfer their addictions. to take that same intense hunger and drive and replace it with a lifelong pursuit of and deep love for God and His Word. But here's what inspired this podcast and the entire Addicted to God movement. The biggest barrier most of them faced wasn't that they didn't want to change. It was that they simply didn't know where to start. That's why we're here. This podcast is your gentle, practical introduction to understanding God's Word what it really means to follow Jesus and how to apply it to your everyday life, especially in the areas where you feel the weakest and most stuck. So today, before I jump into our topic, I want to give a little context around what has been going on in my life. I have made a reference a couple of episodes ago that I was going to navigate through the different Bibles and different study habits that I have and that hasn't happened. And the reason it hasn't happened is because my husband and I have been on quite a journey this past year. We sold a home. We moved out of that home into a house where we rented and then we bought a home. Let's just say launching a podcast in the last recent months has probably not been the best idea. But at the time I was really feeling the prompting that God was saying, this message is needed and I needed to be obedient to the call. And I really surrendered it to him to say, Lord, I'm not ready. I don't believe my circumstances are appropriate or timely, but it's yours. This Addicted to God movement, this Addicted to God message, and those of you who need to just trust the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, are hopefully beneficiaries of, I guess, me stepping out in faith. You've seen me fail. You've tolerated the glitches, the learning curve, the struggles, and I'll admit the continued struggles to master this technology and overcome the challenges of not being a major professional ⁓ somebody who's well skilled in this space. So I appreciate you all that to say. It's been hectic. I look around my podcast studio right now, which I feel so blessed that God gave me and it's in chaos. It's absolutely a mess. And someday I do want to introduce you to YouTube. I do want to have videos of my podcast, but that is just one overwhelming learning curve. I'm not up for embracing. And maybe that'd be a life lesson for you that maybe you're being challenged to step outside of your comfort zone and into something you don't feel quite prepared or ready to do. I get it. That's, that's where I want to go with that. So thanks again. I appreciate you for hanging in there and I want every episode to be worthwhile, but I also want to be real and that's, that's my story. So keep hanging in there with me. I promise God is, God is working in me and I pray with every episode, it'll get better and better. So today we're diving into a topic that I recently shared with the women of my support group, it is a topic that really rears its ugly head very, very frequently when I am working with women who have faced trauma. And that topic is bitterness. Bitterness is sneaky. It's less like a passing emotion and more like a poison that we swallow while hoping the other person dies. It's a slow growing root that if left unattended, chokes out joy and hardens the heart against both God and others. I have to tell you a quick story. My husband and I were in a marriage group where we went together because confession about 10 years ago, our marriage was really struggling and there was a couple in the group that was facing infidelity and the wife was bitter, very bitter. And it was so hard to see how she was essentially beating her husband down for his sin and absolutely feeling her obligation to make him miserable because of what he did to her. And it was really, really hard to witness because we couldn't fix that. ⁓ it really was something that was in her heart. And so ⁓ let's talk how bitterness starts and more importantly, how can we uproot it for good? Because bitterness is also called the poison of fairness. You see, bitterness usually begins with a very real hurt. And just like this woman and that relationship that was trying to overcome, unfaithfulness, that is unfair, unkind and unfaithful. And maybe you've been betrayed or abandoned, lied to, or took something from you that was robbed of you ⁓ and you hurt. and your heart is crying out that it's just not fair. And honestly, it probably wasn't fair. And on this side of heaven, there are countless injustices. Bad things will happen to us. Bad things that we don't deserve or desire. Therefore, it is our natural instinct to demand repayment. And that is what bitterness ultimately is, to make someone pay for what they did to you. But here's the trap. When we hold on to that demand, we tie ourselves to the very person who hurt us. We become prisoners of the past, replaying the offense over and over in our minds like a never ending courtroom drama. We're the judge, the jury, and the victim all at once. And carrying that emotional weight is exhausting. I've seen this so evident in women I mentor. They will say, I know I should let it go, but they never even said they were sorry. And I get it. The desire for justice feels right, but carrying that debt keeps us locked up. So how do we release it? How do we kill this root? Through the radical counter-cultural act of forgiveness. And I know that's easier said than done. So listen up. Forgiveness in the Christian life isn't saying what happened was okay or pretending that the pain wasn't real and it's definitely not a sign of weakness. It's actually like a legal transfer of the case. When we forgive, we take the debt out of our own hands and we place it into God's hands. We petition, Lord, you are the righteous judge. I trust you and you alone to handle this perfectly. The Bible warns us in Hebrews 12-15. ⁓ See it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and may defile ⁓ many. root doesn't just stay hidden. ⁓ It ⁓ It our peace, our relationships, our families, and even our walk with God. Jesus modeled this so powerfully on the cross. While he was being crucified, he prayed, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they're doing. And if you want to look that up, you'll find it in Luke 23 verse 34, where he released the debt, even while the pain. was at its worst. And Ephesians 4, 31 and 32 tells us, get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. That's a debt. We've all been forgiven an unpayable debt by Christ. That same grace is what empowers us to release the people who have harmed us and hurt us most. But this takes a conscious choice, the choosing of a new life. It is here that we find the freedom part. You don't have to wait for an apology that may never come. Bitterness is a choice to keep remembering and collecting. Forgiveness is a decision to release. You're not letting them off the hook, friends. You're letting yourself out of the cage. When we choose to extend the same unmerited grace we've received through Christ, something beautiful happens. The grounds of our hearts are cleared. The space that was taken up by resentment finally opens up for the Holy Spirit to bring new life, healing, and a peace that actually lasts. So how do you know if bitterness has taken root? It can be hard to spot because it grows underground. like a root that you can't see at first. Hurt is normal. Bitterness is when that hurt turns into a permanent heart posture. So here are some common signs. The mental tape. You keep replaying old conversations or offenses in your head. You're building a case, gathering evidence to justify your anger. This steals your peace and keeps you stuck in the past. Then there's the relational red flags. When your humor turns sarcastic or cynical, you avoid certain people. You feel irritated or jealous when the person who hurt you or even others experiences something good. You start using ⁓ always and never statements about people. She always does that. He never should have done that kind of stuff. And then there's spiritual as well as physical signs. The first is you feel distant from God, especially when grace or forgiveness is mentioned. Physically, you might notice more irritability, trouble sleeping, possibly even health issues. Bitterness literally makes you sick, physically and spiritually. Behavioral fruit is another area that you can put your finger on to see that hidden root. You snap at people over small things. You feel the urge to gossip or share negative stories so that you can recruit others to your side. Gratitude in this place feels hard. It's like joy has been drained out of your life. So here's a quick test. if just hearing someone's name makes your stomach tighten or your joy disappear instantly, there's likely a bitter root that needs attention. So this is a point where I want to be raw and real. Friends, I have a confession. I've learned something as I did my research and sourced information about this topic of bitterness. And as I was preparing to teach on this topic to my women's support group, someone's name came to my mind. I didn't think I harbored any bitterness toward anyone, but then this quick test question came up and I immediately felt rage. A flurry of hurts, unmet expectations, and how this person had unintentionally or even intentionally cut me out of her life. I see posts on Facebook of her many events and travels and experiences and I'm excluded from it and I'm going to admit it, it hurts. Why am I not invited? I role play in my head all the things that I might have said and done that would have pushed her away. Or what may have made her choose to exclude me when at one time she invited me. The worst part, she has no idea. She has no idea that I'm feeling this way or that I've been spinning over it. And to be honest, for years. She's happy. Her life seems and looks great. Why would I be resentful? Why would I be simply harboring bitterness? The simple answer and discovery is that bitterness has taken up residency in my heart. And that is a seed that I need to deal with. And quite frankly, over the past week, since teaching this to the support group, I have been doing some homework on this area. I have really been working through it with the Lord. And I have to admit coming to this realization has put me on my knees and I have pleaded, Lord, please forgive me. Forgive me for trying to please people. And I also have also come to realize something else. This friend was a friend in a season of my life. And even if I wanted that friendship to be what it used to be or what it once was, I can't force a friendship. Furthermore, even though I was in her inner circle, I was not being the best follower of Jesus. I was compromising God's for her standards to be liked, to be accepted, to fit in. I was seeking her validation and worthiness instead of God's. Of course, God would remove this woman from my life and place me in circles with women who loved me for who I am, who would hold me accountable to living out the faith I profess and our true, genuine, authentic girlfriends. Honestly, is the biggest reason I started my blog, godlygirlfriends.com, because I realized I am so blessed with godly women in my life, and I want to grow a circle of women and men who love, support, and encourage one another. Not to have to face this world alone, but in fellowship, just as God designed us. I want to leave you with a practical exercise that I call the debt ledger reflection. If you're ready to start uprooting the bitterness that you're harboring in your heart, here's a simple but powerful exercise to walk through. First of all, grab a notebook and grab your Bible and find a quiet moment with God and be brutally honest. This is between you and God. I'm not inviting you on this podcast. I'm not asking you to make a public proclamation. I'm simply asking you to sit down with your heavenly father. And the first thing you want to do on that open page and in confession to the Lord is to write down the name of that person or group of people, or even yourself, a name that triggers that tightness in your chest and ask yourself, who am I still? waiting on an apology or resolution from, or even restitution from. The second thing you want to do is itemize the debt. Be specific. What did they take from you or what have you lost because of a choice you've made? And don't minimize it. List things like they took my trust. They stole peace in my home. They damaged my reputation and acknowledged the real weight of this hurt. It's true. It's absolutely real. That pain is real. Name it. Take an inventory of it. As painful as that might look. Then the next thing you wanna do is you wanna trace the poison. You wanna look at that list that you just created and ask yourself, how has holding on to this anger affected my marriage, my parenting, my health? my relationships, or my prayer life. And be honest, you'll see that bitterness isn't hurting them at all. It's eating away at you. It's robbing you of your joy. And then the final step is to transfer the title. Picture yourself in a courtroom. You have every right to demand payment, but you choose to hand the entire case over to God. the perfect judge. Physically go back and cross out the items on your list and then pray something like this, Lord, I admit this person owes me and be specific, list what that person owes you, forgiveness, restitution, a relationship, whatever, a friendship, and tell the Lord, What they did to me was wrong and it hurt me deeply. But today, God, I release my right to collect from them. I transfer this debt to you. You are the judge. I am no longer the one carrying this. Father, please heal my heart and set me free in Jesus' name. Amen. After you pray, the litmus test is simple. in the coming days, weeks or months, when that person's name comes up or a memory services, notice your reaction. Notice I said when. Just because you do this exercise doesn't mean that person or your circumstances will change. It means you have changed. If and when that sting returns, Gently remind your heart that the debt has already been transferred and it's no longer yours to collect. You may need to do this more than once, I will confess. However, forgiveness is a process, not a one-time feeling. But I promise, and God's Word assures us, that we will be free. You will feel that weight lifted, your joy returned, and your hope restored. Go to Romans 12, 19. In the NIV version, it says, would not want to be on that side of God's wrath. So name it, trace it, and transfer it to God. This is another reason the Addicted to God movement exists. God of the universe is fighting for you. He feels your injustices, your pain, and what unfair treatment you are or have been enduring. So put this in perspective. Look at Jesus, God's only son. He was treated unjustly. An innocent man sentenced to the cross to die. He endured more physical pain than any of us could even fathom. The way he was treated was so unfair. Hebrews 12, 2 says, fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Just picturing Jesus sitting down, kind of, you know, rubbing his hands together, saying, it is done. Jesus did not hold onto bitterness. He overcame it. He overcame it for us on the cross. And He did it so we don't have to. So if you're holding onto bitterness, today is your day to let it go. And just keep bringing it back to God. So I realize this episode could have been very difficult, partly for you to hear and in some ways because you know someone who needs to hear it. If that's the case, if this episode spoke to you or if there's someone you know who's carrying the weight of bitterness, would you please share it with them? You never know how God might use this message to bring freedom. When I meet women who are living in bitterness, my heart literally breaks for them. I see the bondage that they're in. Everybody can see the bondage that they're in. I see the poison that they have been drinking, hoping that the other person dies. I see the prison that they're entrapped to, and I see they're hurting souls. Friends, don't let this be you. So as I close this episode, I want you to remember You're not defined by your past. You're not defined by your struggles. When you transfer your addictions from this world to God, that's the one and only healthy addiction. Bitterness is the root that robs you of God's best. So join me on the movement of being addicted to God, where we love Him with all our hearts, mind, soul, and strength, as it is written in Mark 12, 28 through 31. So until next time, fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. God bless you, friends, and thank you for listening, sharing, liking, and commenting. I appreciate your support, and I very much appreciate your encouragement as we embrace this Addicted to God movement together.