Biblical Accountability Is Friendship Ep. 19

Sarah Annie Schneider: Hi friends, before we jump into the next Addicted to God podcast episode, I just wanted to give you an update of things that are taking place in the Addicted to God movement. we are currently undergoing a minor rebrand. what that means is that across all social media platforms that you can find me: Instagram, Facebook, Substack, or YouTube, you can search for Sarah Annie Schneider. I do hope that We are gaining popularity when you Google Addicted to God, that you would also find this podcast. So thank you for being flexible and I appreciate that you are on this addicted to God journey with me. Welcome to the Addicted to God Podcast. I'm your host and Bible mentor, Sarah Schneider. And I am addicted to God. Addicted to God is a community of imperfect people who are pursuing a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. For over 20 years, I have been on my own addicted to God journey. This Addicted to God movement was inspired by the hundreds of incarcerated women who I have had the privilege of mentoring over the past decade in my local jail. The more I learned about their addictive behaviors, the more I realized that my own zeal to know and understand God's word was really not that different from their uncontrollable desire to use their drug of choice. in a nutshell, Addicted to God is where we transfer the unhealthy, unsatisfying, and in some cases destructive habits and choices to the freedom and fulfillment that can only come from God and His limitless word. I also lead a women's support group where we address childhood wounds, betrayal, trauma, relationship struggles, and deep emotional pain and trials. Honestly, no one needs to battle these challenges alone. But let's face it, life is hard and it's lonely in the valley. I want to encourage you to share this podcast so we can end addictions, encourage the defeated, and inspire anyone who wants to have a relationship with God but doesn't know where to start. In other words, let's get addicted to God together. Can I ask you something personal? When was the last time you had a real conversation with a real friend? Not a text thread. Not a comment on Instagram, not a surface level, I'm fine, how are you? But an actual sit-down, look you in the eyes, know your mess and love you anyway conversation. We're all busy people with many distractions, responsibilities, and stuff. Even as I'm sitting here talking with you, my mind drifts off, thinking of the cleaning I need to get done, the errands I need to run, the appointments I have to make, the laundry that's all stacked up, and then there's those bills to pay. Busy, busy, busy. and by the way, I have an acronym for that. B-U-S-Y. Burdened under Satan's yoke. Let that sink in for a second. Whoever controls your schedule. is controlling you. To that end, you might be thinking, Who has time for friendship then, right? That's the thing. We must make time. Not for everyone. That can get overwhelming. I'm talking about one or two, maybe three people. I don't want to spend too much time on this podcast explaining why it's important to have a close friend, but I will sum it up with this. Proverbs eighteen twenty four says, a man of many companions or acquaintances, may come to ruin, there is a friend who stays closer than a brother. This verse is drawing a contrast between two friends, those who are around you because you have something to offer them, and those who remain out of a genuine love and loyalty for you, even more reliably than a family member sometimes. Now you may have been blessed with the closeness and a treasured relationship within your family, but I have found and experienced that that is not the case for the majority. If anything, families can make it very difficult to being addicted to God. And that, my friends, is another episode for another day. This is something that I have learned and commonly hear from the women in jail around my Bible study tables and in my support groups. And that's that I need friends or different friends. But I don't know where to find them. As I was thinking about what to say in this episode, I stumbled upon something interesting. Did you know how to make friends as an adult is one of the most Googled phrases in America? People are literally typing that into the search bar. Grown adults who feel like they've missed the memo on how to do something natural or what they think should come naturally, but it doesn't. Sit with that for a second. Because if you've ever felt like everyone else has their friend group figured out and you somehow got left out, you're not alone. It's not just you. You are actually the majority. I remember asking God for a best friend as one of the most frequently prayed prayers throughout the majority of my life. And I'm an extrovert, a social butterfly, and a very charismatic person. it's honestly easy for me to meet people. But to have a close relationship with someone that you can consider a true friend, that doesn't come easy. something I found on Google and I honestly see it in my everyday life. we are living in a loneliness epidemic. Studies are showing that more people than ever report having zero close friends. None. That is so sad. But clearly that's a reality for a lot of people. Professionally, even in my day job, I sit in meetings or talk to people weekly. I'm invited to participate in task forces to address social isolation and identify at-risk populations who suffer from lack of connection or have barriers to being connected. For some people, not even having the ability to access friendships is a literal crisis. It's one of the greatest contributors to the current mental health crisis that is sweeping our nation. And even people who go to church are not immune. For the girls in jail, the first place I invite them to get connected is in a Bible-believing church. But I warn them, you can sit in the same row every Sunday and never have a real connection with another person. I know that happens in my own church too, because we have a big church. People have actually told me that they go there so that they can just blend in. it's one thing to go to church for the connection and feeling closer to God, but it's a whole other thing to be an observer and not a participant. God did not design us this way. He designed us to have a real, deep, messy, loyal, loving, and life-giving relationship. here's the key: the relationship starts with him first. And then other people who will point you back to him. God is the center of it all. Did you catch that? Honestly, the point of this entire message and technically this entire podcast is God first. So if you're out there sitting on that proverbial fence and have not yet invited Jesus Christ to be the Lord and leader of your life, then that's your first and most important step toward a relationship. I have spent many episodes talking about using things that fill The God-sized void in our lives. And guess what? We can use people to try to do that too. We can be addicted to people. approval, companionship, or to validate ourselves. If you haven't listened to my interview with Andrea in episode 18 yet, it is a must. Andrea articulates so clearly how we can seek acceptance, approval, bad or broken relationships In unhealthy ways. For her, that actually led to a sex and porn addiction. All that to say we need God and we need to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. then and only then can we love others as we love ourselves, as He commands. I can assure you that the best friend you will ever make in your life is Jesus. He is a game changer. let's talk about friendship. Healthy, God designed, closer than a brother, friendship. And I want to start where we always need to start, God's word. what strikes me every single time I read what the Bible says about friendship, I am seriously amazed by how much of a priority God makes it. This is not a side topic, and it's not buried in a chapter that nobody reads. The wisdom of the Bible is packed with it because God knows. we need each other. Proverbs 1717 says, a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. all times, not just when you're doing well, not just when you're fun to be around, and not just when you have your act together. All times. Real friendship doesn't disappear when things get hard. It actually shows up. It shows up more. Which is an emphasis on quality over quantity. We do not need 20 friends. We only need two, maybe three at the most, who are all in. That person who picks up the phone at 2 a.m., the one who tells you the truth when everyone else is telling you what you want to hear, and the one who is worth more than a hundred surface level relationships. But where do you find that, right? Well, first, as I did, you pray. Ask God to put someone in your life that you can trust, confide in, and who loves you enough to be honest, points you to God. and accepts you for who you are, messy, broken, and could care less if you show up unshowered, fresh out of bed, sweaty, or even wearing an oversized t-shirt. Now I want to make a disclaimer here. I am not talking about an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. I'm talking about a godly girlfriend or a god fearing guy friend. Someone you can talk to about the opposite sex. Because those relationships, are the messiest. My need to learn how to be a noble, respectful, godly wife is the vast majority of the conversations that I have with my besties. I need their wisdom, rebuke, conviction, and their advice. It may not be what I want to hear, it's what I need to hear. it's shared with me in a God honoring and loving way for my own good. Fortunately, I have those kind of friends. One particularly, she holds nothing back. She calls me out when I'm disrespectful or speaking disrespectfully about my husband, and she does it in a loving and gentle way. I don't put my defenses up when she's pointing out my ungodly or dishonoring behaviors because I know she loves me so much. And I know what God's word says. That gives her even more credibility and responsibility to speak truth into my life. See, friends, we all have blind spots. And it's that kind of friend who can expose those blind spots so you can be the kind of person God created you to be. Honestly, when she does that, what she's doing is pointing out my unconscious sin. Sin is anything that we do, think, or say that dishonors, displeases, or disobeys God. When I tell her about an argument I had with my husband or disagreement I'm having with my daughters, she's quick to point out that I could have done better. Ultimately to keep peace in my home, faithfulness in my marriage, and relationships with the people I love and care about the most. And you know what? She's always right. Always. When we feel justified in doing what we do, saying what we say, or feeling what we think we are entitled to feel, that's pride. I appreciate when she knocks me off my selfish pedestal and shakes me back into reality. More importantly, she keeps me accountable. She's really my accountability partner. And you know what? This goes both ways. I tell her hard truths too. We have been blessed now with over 20 years of knowing each other, so we have a lot of history together. I joked with her that when we first started off as running partners, we just listened to each other's sins. As we aged and became walking partners, we started evaluating our sins. today, We call out and genuinely hunger the redirection or prevention of living to the best of our ability free of sin. Jesus himself modeled this having close inner circle friends. He had 12 disciples, but within that group he had three closest to him, Peter, James, and John. He brought those three into the most intimate moments of his ministry. And he wasn't trying to be their best friends. He was intentional about who he let close. he wasn't easy on his friends either. As a matter of fact, in Matthew 16, 23, he actually calls Peter Satan and a stumbling block. In Luke 9, 54 and 55, he rebukes James and John, calling them sons of thunder, because they were posturing to be on Jesus' right or left hand. And in Matthew 26, 40 and 41, he says, Can't you even keep watch? they fell asleep during one of Jesus' most vulnerable moments when he needed them most. then in John 15, 13, he says something really profound. Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. He was talking about, what he is about to do for us on the cross. then he turns around and calls us his friends. Not his subjects, not his servants, not slaves, friends. That is the standard he set for what friendship can look like, sacrificial, costly, but loyal to the very end. Proverbs twenty seven seventeen gives us another layer, and this one I love because it's actually saying this is how you become a better person. as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Iron sharpening iron is not a gentle process. It involves friction. It actually involves sparks. Real friendship isn't just comfort, it's growth. The friends who sharpen you are the ones who love you enough to say the hard thing, to call you out, and that pattern they see repeating. They ask you questions you don't necessarily want to answer all the time. Those friendships are rare and they are worth protecting. Ecclesiastes 4, 9 and 10, says two are better than one If either of them falls down, One can help the other up, but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. if that's you right now, if you've fallen and you're looking around and there's no one there, you're in the right place. Because next, I want to talk to you about that kind of friend. James 5 16. Confess your sins to each other and Pray for one another so that you may be healed. There is a healing in bringing your struggles into the light with a trusted person. Not because confessing to another human saves us, only Jesus can do that, but because secrecy is where addiction, shame, and sin grows. Darkness cannot survive in the light. When you say out loud what you've been hiding, it begins to lose its power over you. Galatians 6, 1 and 2 gives us this picture of what this looks like in practice. If someone is caught in sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourself, or you may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. I want to emphasize confession for a minute and really amplify how powerful it is. When a woman across from me at that small Formica table in the visiting room of jail confesses. I see all the weight she is carrying almost immediately relieve her. Even when I have confessed my deepest, darkest, most regrettable sins to my accountability partner, that's when I've seen God move and trust me, literally move mountains. I have felt and witnessed the power of confession firsthand. But here's a tip. restore them gently. Do not shame them. Do not broadcast it. Don't hold it over their head forever. Gently with love, point them toward healing inspire and encourage them in the truth of God's word. Whether it's across tables and women's Bible studies, in jail visits or support groups, it is the moment someone steps out of secrecy that something shifts. they can breathe for the first time. Not because their circumstances changed, but because they're not alone anymore. I really want to emphasize that the golden rule applies here, that you would treat others the way you would want to be treated. Proverbs 27, 6 puts it this way: Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. An accountability partner who loves you enough to say, I think you're not honoring God with some of your choices. Can we talk about that? That's honestly the biggest gift. Even when it hurts. Flattery from someone who doesn't care about you is far more dangerous than honest words from someone who does. So what does an accountability partner look like? Look for someone who loves Jesus more than they love their opinion of you. And because they are someone who you can trust, both in that they won't judge you for the imperfect person that you are, but also that they can. Hold all that you share in confidence. This person will be spiritually mature, even though they're not perfect either, but they are walking in the right direction and making progress. They will pray for you, not just talk at you. they will have strong discernment to know when all you need is someone who will listen, or can guide you in scripture with sound advice. here's what a real accountability relationship is not. It is not someone who makes you feel worse about yourself every time you talk. If you walk away from that relationship carrying more shame than grace, that's not accountability, that's a burden. a true accountability friend reminds you of who God says you are, even when you're not living like it. One more thing. That person doesn't necessarily have to match you in age. Some of my friends are older than me and others even younger. Second Timothy four twelve says, Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for other believers in speech and conduct in love in faith and in purity. This was Paul's encouragement to young Timothy, saying that regardless of your age, when you walk with Christ, you are modeling what people need, and you can influence others by the way you live. On the other end of the spectrum, Titus 2, 3 through 5 says, Older women teach the younger women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. they can urge younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. My encouragement is that you will not only pursue God so that your relationship with Him is first, but that God will bless you with someone to grow closer with. Initially, this someone could come from a small group at church. The friend or accountability partner I found came out of volunteering in our children's ministry. We actually were co-leaders in a noana club. Our kids were the same age. We were both craving to learn God's word and memorizing scripture. And here we are 20 years later, still meeting weekly. Most often our meetings look like a three-mile walk, but there are days and seasons where there's a cup of tea in our homes or backyards. Personality-wise, we are completely the opposite. that is one of the things that makes our friendship so strong. We bring different perspectives to the conversation. I remember a time when my daughter was being disciplined in school for something that I thought The punishment was too drastic for the rules she broke. My friend respectfully said, you're wrong. And then she explained her vantage point. I was moved to recognize a different perspective, and that honestly helped me be a better parent. Then there was a time that she described a disagreement with her husband and allowed me to express how I imagined he had to be feeling. We wept together. I appreciated her ability to accept my advice, and she was humbled. Later she texted that she had apologized to her husband and that they had an incredible conversation that led to a beautiful alignment in their marriage. So here's my encouragement. You go first. I'm serious. The invitation that you've been waiting for, send that to a person and extend it to someone that comes to mind as you're listening to this podcast. The text you wished you would have sent, send it. That coffee date you keep saying we should get together sometime. Schedule it. Take the initiative. Pursue a relationship. Yes, it feels vulnerable, but it might change everything. a casual invitation to coffee, tea, soda, or smoothie. Whatever your jam. It doesn't have to be expensive. The atmosphere is welcoming for conversation in a coffee shop or on the couch in the library, at a table or booth. Regardless of where you are, even a park bench, that's an opportunity to start a conversation. I would be remiss if I didn't say that your local church is an excellent starting point. But Sunday morning is honestly the hardest place to make real friends because there's so much going on. Usually people are with their families and that gives them limited time to talk. Whether it's their need to rush and pick up their kids in the children's area or they're distracted by their spouse lurking over their shoulder. Other people might be breaking in to get your attention or theirs. it just isn't an ideal place. None of this is bad. It's good. We want that, even those quick touch points. But what you want to do is get into those environments where the walls come down. Sign up for a small group. For me it was Bible studies and volunteering. Those are the spaces where there is real authentic sharing and conversations are just more personal. And that's where you can find Likenesses, similarities, or even interests that you can connect with. This is where you get to learn about people. Whether they're married, single, kids, new to the Bible or knowledgeable about it. You get to learn if they enjoy the same things as you. Again, not that that matters. But it will feel much more natural. Our starting point happened to be running. Yours could be crafting. Hiking, outdoors, gardening. It doesn't matter. Pray for it. my closest friend and accountability partner is the opposite of me, But that has evolved. It wasn't forced either. It didn't feel like an obligation. at the time it was actually a good excuse to be more consistent in my fitness goals. We would push each other physically. But we also challenged each other biblically. We would memorize scripture and recite verses to one another while we ran. A safe place to fail and a safe place to grow. Over time, we would start sharing what our personal Bible study time was teaching us. And just in the last five years, we realized that we have something special. We have this long, rich history of knowing each other intimately, where we can truly speak into each other's lives. If you don't fight for your friendships, you will drift from them. And it does happen. So make time. Schedule the coffee. Protect the standing phone call. Show up when you said you would. Celebrate the wins and be present in the hard seasons. The friendship that lasts over decades are the ones where both people choose over and over again to keep showing up. As we come to the conclusion of this episode, I want to bring forward another concept that is essential, and that is forgiveness. Colossians 3 13 says, bear with one another and forgive one another. If any one of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you. Every close friendship will eventually hit a moment of hurt. Words that landed wrong, a time when someone wasn't there when you needed them, and misunderstanding that grew. That courage to bring it up in a tender way that says, you said something that hurt me, or when you said this, you made me feel bad. Giving one another the space to clarify and respond, as humans, communication can be easily misunderstood. So, friend, I want you to walk away today with something valuable, The Christian life was never meant to be a solo journey. God is your foundation, yes, but he placed people in your path to sharpen you, lift you up, speak truth into your life, and walk with you along and through the hardest seasons. You don't build a deep friendship in a day, but you do need to start. if an earthly friendship has let you down, and some of us have been there, hold on to this. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Jesus knows your name, he knows your story, and he has never once abandoned you and he never will. That friendship is the anchor for every other one. Until God puts a special friend in your life, show up daily, read his word, hear his voice. He speaks to you through his word, and you speak to him. In prayer. It's amazing how personal his word is when you repeat this practice daily. So I have a challenge for you this week. Reach out to that person, grab that coffee, go for a walk, meet in the park, and take that first step. Before we go, I want to start something new At the end of each podcast episode, I want to leave you with a recommended resource. There are so many great churches. podcasts, worship songs, and books out there. I'm just gonna dribble one resource at a time, one episode at a time. And today's resource is the Crazy Love Podcast with Francis Chan. Frances, he emulates the model of what it looks like to be addicted to God. So it's only fair that I give my first shout-out to Francis Chan. And Francis, if you're listening and you would come onto my podcast so you can help us advance the movement of being addicted to God as you so incredibly do, the invitation stands. So, friends, this is not the end of your story. This is the beginning of your rescue. And I'm thrilled to have you on this addicted to God journey with me. Learning to trade every harmful addiction for the one that truly satisfies Jesus Christ and his life-giving word. If today's episode has stirred something in you, would you please share it with someone who feels stuck or hopeless? You never know how God might use it to spark their freedom. And I'm always looking for guests. If your life has been genuinely transformed, genuinely transformed by Jesus, if you've experienced what it means to transfer your addiction to him, I'd love to hear your story. Email me at addicted to Godpod at gmail.com. And as we close, remember: you're not defined by your past struggles. When you transfer your addictions to God, he becomes your one and only healthy addiction. So God bless you, fix your eyes on Jesus, and we'll see you next week.